Teen Contracts: Five Steps To Writing A Teen Contract

Many parents do not realize that most teens need and want to be held accountable for their behavior.  One of the main purposes of a teen contract is to take the emotional frustration and disagreements away from any argument while making all parties involved accountable.  Writing a teen contract ensures that the parents and teen are communicating and working together to meet the accountability need.  A teen contract will provide the teen and parent with a written document that contains expectations (often called rules), consequences, time lines and a process to follow.  The teen contract should also provide who is responsibility for “doing what” and the privileges earned by meeting the expectations of the contract.

Teen contracts should be written on paper or may be purchased at:  Teen Contracts or Youth Contracts

Five Steps to Writing a Teen Contract  

1. Write down who is involved in the contract process.  Names and signatures should be written down and signed after all and by all parties who agree.

2. Write the expectation or goal that the teen needs to achieve or accomplish.

3. Write the privilege, incentive or what the teen earned for reaching the goal.

4. Write the consequence, discipline or action to be taken for breaking or not meeting the expectation or goal.

5. Write the start and end date of the contract.  This part of the contract may also include who will monitor the contract and who determines if the expectation was achieved or not achieved.

I Have A Difficult or Challenging Child

Parents with difficult or challenging children need to assess what is or has happened in the child’s life. Was their a death, trauma, change or surprising event that took place? Was, or is their a family change due to a divorce, death or move? Is there any medical condition that is or has taken place with your child or someone close to the child? If your child has some pressing medical condition, see the child medical doctor and share your concerns. Inform your child’s school counselor with information regarding a death, divorce or trauma related incident. The school counselor may provide you with information, names and referral options for your child to see an outside school counselor or psychologist if necessary.

Steps To Take

• Assess the age and developmental factors affecting your child. Read through Developmental Issues section in Scott Counseling.
• Meet with your child and set ground rules for his or her behavior. Be specific and put the plan in writing.
• Set up a “talking” plan. This is a plan that defines how you and your child are going to behave while you are talking to each other. For example: 1) We will speak in our school or restaurant voice (no yelling), 2) We will listen and not speak while the other person is talking, 3) We will not use foul or inappropriate language such as…, 4) We will say how the situation makes us feel, 5) We will summarize what the other person is saying to make sure we understand what has been said, and 6) We will come up with some workable solutions.
• Pick your battles. As parents we can’t go after everything. For example, you may need to give up your desire for the child to have a picked up bedroom. You are, however not going to allow your child to swear or use inappropriate language.
• If your child is angry, depressed, anxious or not eating or sleeping well, see your family medical doctor. Your family doctor may have some medical answers to help you and your child. Listen and follow your doctor’s suggestions. Get a second medical opinion if you have concerns about your doctor’s recommendations. If the second doctor is telling you similar or the same recommendations, it may be time to act of those recommendations.
• Tell you child that you are going to hang in their with him or her. No matter what happens your child needs to know that you love him or her!

My Child Argues With Me!

We want our children to learn to speak and communicate. We want them to become independent thinkers. We also want them, someday, to stand on their own. Well, believe it or not, these are some of the key factors to explain why some children argue with their parents. According to the Department of Families, “arguments between brothers and sisters are one of the ways that children learn to respect other people’s belongings and feelings.” Children are just like adults. We like to present our ideas and sometimes argue to express our opinions or points of view. Children, however, are just beginning to learn how to argue without being disrespectful. Below are some pointers to help parents teach their child how to share their thoughts without offending others.

Do not argue with your child. It’s that’s simple. An argument can only occur if you let one occur.

Many arguments can be avoided when you give the child an option. For example: “You can either empty the dishwasher or take out the trash.”

Treat your child and yourself with respect. Be objective when you speak and try to use fewer words. For example: “I need your help. Your job is to pick up your toys. Please begin now.” Avoid statements or questions like: “Can you” or “Do you want to pick up your toys now.”

Teach your child the difference between debate and arguments. Debates allow two people to share their points of view without offending others and leaving one person a winner and another a loser. Arguments end with a winner and a loser. Teach your child what points of view or opinions are debatable in your home. If your child says, “Mom, I’m tired of doing dishes.” The parent can respond by saying, “That’s fine. It’s a good time to change chores. You may pick between feeding the dog or dusting this week.”

Use simple body and facial language instead of words. Simple body and facial language includes: Looking at your child and show the face of patience. Your face should show that you are not angry, but you are also not amused.

Sit down with your child and let the child know the negative consequences that they will receive if they argue with a parent. Set the consequence ahead of time and stick to the consequence. It’s appropriate to let children know that you do not want an argument as a warning before providing the consequence. Remember the first example provided above.

You may provide incentives. However, do not over use this strategy or you will be teaching the child that rewards come after each request. “You may play with your friends when you are done doing the dishes.”

Encourage and teach your child to ask for permission. This will prevent many arguments.

Prepare yourself for the fact that your child will be making more requests that may lead to future arguments. To find out if your child’s request is normal for his or her age group, ask a teacher, youth group leader, coach or other adults who have many years of experience working with children to find out if their request is normal.

Let your child know that making a request should be done in private or at home. Some parents, for example, tell their child that if they ask to have a friend sleep over in front of the friend that their request will automatically be denied.

Note: Children who have chronic or ongoing behavioral problems with argument that lead to anger, violence or other fear inducing tactics may need to be assessed by a trained professional. Usually these behaviors diagnosed by a psychiatrist or other medical professionals. You may also obtain assistance from a school psychologist who may provide some insights and resource information.