Those three words from your child can cause you to feel hurt, fear, frustration, anger and sadness. These words when shared by a child toward the parent most often humble our already fragile parenting existence. And if you've yet to experience those words, the dreaded "I hate you" will come to your ears sooner or later.
Most of the time, your child may scream it at you in anger for not buying something at the store or providing something at he or she desires.
You may also hear it yelled at you during a fit of rage or a force of manipulation when the child does not get his or her way. No matter how “I Hate You” is presented from the child, it most often stops a parent in their tracks and challenges the parent to go into a defensive mode of operation.
According to James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation Program, when a child says, "I hate you," the child is really saying, "You won’t let me go out tonight, so I’m going to talk hatefully to you so you’ll get upset and give in." “Maybe sometimes you do hate me. But I’m still not letting you go out tonight.”
Five Ways A Parent Can Respond To “I Hate You!”
- Stop and wait before you respond: If hearing “I hate you” upsets you, it’s best to talk about it after you compose yourself, get your feelings together (the actions of anger out of your mind) and allow the moment to pass. Later in the day, or even the next day, in a friendly, upbeat manner say, “I understand that you were mad at me yesterday when you said, ‘I hate you,’ but in our house we don’t talk like that because it’s hurtful.” Spend time with your child discussing another way to let you know when he or she is angry or frustrated with you.
- Recognize the child’s feelings by listening: Anger does not go away just because you tell a child, “It’s not nice to feel that way,” or “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Anger loses its intensity when you begin to recognize and accept that the child has feelings. Once you have recognized the child’s feelings you can begin to establish guidelines for the inappropriate behavior.
- Help the child come up with other feeling words besides “I hate you:” While discussing and setting limits in #3, asked the child to share other feeling words. Sometimes children will share, “I really need that item because all my friends have it.” As a parent you can respond by saying, “I want to hear and understand where you are coming from. What pressure do you feel when others have what you don’t have?” Center your conversation on this instead of the displaced anger.
- Remain calm: Or, as the kids say, “don't freak out.” For children, being upset with parents, teachers and any authority figure, for that matter, is normal. Notice that I said “normal.” This does not mean that it’s “right,” or acceptable for a child to behave in this manner.
Finally, it’s a good idea to let your children know that even we (parents) have feelings of anger and even hatred. Also share that “these feelings are natural and usually do not last long.” Tell your child that you love him or her. Always try to your day by saying “I love you.”
One of the advantages of using James Lehman's Total Transformation Program is that his program teaches you the words to say in step-by-step parenting lessons.
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