Helping Your ADD Child Make Friends
Research indicates that at least 60% of children diagnosed with ADD/ADHD have difficulty making and keeping friends. Many ADD/ADHD boys, when observed with their peers, seem to be more aggressive, off-task, challenging and argumentative. Girls, who tend to be more aware of their disorder, often have a thought process that hinders their desire to make and keep friends. Some ADD/ADHD girls, who are aggressive, tend to be bossy, controlling and use verbal skills, which may be offensive to their peers.
Many ADD/ADHD children are impulsive. It is often hard for them to resist blurting out or interrupting others in their social group. This impulsivity turns other children off because they do not have the patience and understanding that is often required to remain a friend.
Parents can help their child by reviewing and implementing some of the strategies listed below:
· Encourage positive conversations with your child regarding social interactions. Some comments may include:
“It looked like Tom liked some of your baseball stuff. How did you feel about sharing it with him?”
“ I was nice of you to invite Tammy and Jenny over”. “How did it go?” “Well, I agree, maybe next time things will go better if one friend comes over.” “Maybe you can allow the friend to come up with one thing to do and then you come up with an idea.”
· All children should be held accountable for their behavior, including children who have ADD/ADHD. This includes social behavior. When you become aware that your child has mistreated another person, or acted inappropriately, use this experience as a teachable moment. Teaching your child to apologize, say, “excuse me” when interrupting, pay for something that he or she has broken or admitting to an inappropriate act is something all children must learn.
· Wouldn’t the world be a better place if all people and children:
1. Said “Hello!” and “Good-bye!”
2. Took turns talking and using items
3. Smiled more
4. Asked others to join in
5. Listened
6. Showed that they cared for someone else
7. Said, “I’m sorry.”
8. Don’t make fun of others, call names, act rude
9. Give a compliment
10. Relax
These are all things that all parents need to talk to their children about. Parents also need to model these and other appropriate social skills for their children on a daily basis.
· Have your child make a list of behaviors or feelings that they want to see in a friend. If your child has a difficult time doing this, write the following words on a piece of paper and ask you child to circle the words that he or she wants in a friend.
Helpful Honest Friendly Cheerful Funny
Respectful Kind Dependable Unselfish Loyal
Dependable Caring Trusting Responsible Giving
· Now ask your child to circle the same list of words that best describes how other kids want to be treated by him or her. You can do the same activity with other behaviors and feeling from the list below. Only this time ask your child to select the behaviors or feelings that you do not want in a friend.
Hurtful Dishonest Unkind Sad Selfish
Irresponsible Angry Blaming Disrespectful
Now, ask your child if they have ever acted this way toward someone who they wanted to be their friend.
· Speak with your child’s teachers, school counselor and other adults that work with your child. Let them know that you are trying to help your child to be more responsible for their social behavior. Most school districts have social skill curriculums that promote these life lessons. Stay in touch and communicate with other adults in the neighborhood and ask for honest feedback when it comes to finding out how your child is interacting with your neighbor’s children. Remember, your child is in the learning stages of his or her life. If you decide not to help teach these important skills, who will?
· Ask your school counselor, school psychologist or school social worker if they have support groups set up to teach, promote and have their students practice social skills. If they do, encourage your child to “try out” the group.
I’m really worried that my ADD/ADHD child is not going to “make it” in life. What can I do?
Stop worrying! Did you know that close to 90% of all diagnosed ADD/ADHD children graduate from high school. Most ADD/ADHD children do not become criminals, do not smoke or abuse drugs at a rate higher than other teens, and do not hate or love their parents any more or less than other children. Your child has been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD not terminal cancer, not a criminal offense, not terrorism, not a death sentence! So, stop it. Begin to help your child. Work with your doctor and the schools by doing the following:
· Have your child evaluated by a doctor who specializes in ADD/ADHD
· Allow your child to work with behavioral specialist that promotes behavioral change associated with this disorder.
· Encourage your child to participate in extra-curricular and co-curricular school activities that may include sports, plays and drama, speech and debate, clubs (chess, ski, math etc.) and other activities that are normally listed on your school’s WebPages.
· Seek information about the available medication options from your medical doctor.
· Seek information about the family therapy and training session options from your medical doctor.
· Develop a 504 Plan with the school if necessary.
· Provide your child extra academic assistance from the school or a tutor if necessary.
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